Day 538: A Letter To Bees

Screen Shot 2015-08-31 at 3.24.06 PM.jpg

Dear Bees & Other Stinging Family

I get it, you're pissed off these days.

You're flying around out there in nature all confused and upset by something us humans are doing. Your numbers are decreasing rapidly and as a result you're losing a lot of your positions within nature; hell, even in China they've had to hire local workers to pollinate the fields of flowers. Things are looking grim for you. You and yours are in a declining situation bringing you rapidly to what could well be a watershed moment in both your history, and ours, and yet...

Enough with the stinging already!

I got blasted by one of your troops on the beach a couple of days ago while doing nothing more than threatening to snap a picture of a very lazy seal on the beach. Then, even more tragically, while we humans were minding our own business at the house having a great dinner conversation with some family last night, with the kids outside running around chasing Hubble and expending those great reserves of energy that make all little hooligans ill-suited for inside living, a sudden and great swarm of your kind descended upon the two dear little angels! stinging them both a gruesome total of three times each. 

A seven and a five year old!

Poor Mason, the seven year old, got blasted right on the neck in a wound that looked mysteriously similar to the one I suffered the other day; perhaps a clue to your devious stinging strategies - go for the neck first so your little venom can go right to our brains and while we stumble around dazedly like drunken bobble head dolls you and your pals finish us off with shots to the body. 

Ornery, all of you!

I suppose this is all we should suspect from an organism that is essentially an airborne thorn; an organism that evolved in close proximity to the flowers you serve, taking from the beautiful (but seemingly useless) plant, it's best natural defence system and weaponizing it, like a bunch of furry little thugs and terrorists. 

This latest assault was my fault of course, though I do hold you accountable for the one that got me on the beach the other day. I have a few bushes of flowers by the house, one of them a large one along the deck. Whenever I walk by it I can hear the buzzing sound of those sinister little wings. I've known you were around for a while, but in my time out painting cave walls I didn't notice that you'd set up shop right under my deck, effectively taking over part of my yard. Had I been more diligent with my home maintenance I would have discovered your construction project and shut it down before you were able to set up shop. 

Now you've taken it upon yourself to tend to the flowers that are growing quite wild around my house, neglected as they are by myself and Jeannette, and as such saw the run in with my cousin's yesterday as a direct threat to the very territory you built your clever little headquarters under my deck to protect. In my negligence I have given you the false confidence that it is YOU, in fact, who own my backyard, and all the flowers and airspace that entails.

Understanding this is one thing, dealing with it is another thing entirely. Since you have shown no ability to be reasonable or logical, as I have no doubt you would completely ignore the deed to the house should I present it to you outside, I am forced into settling the hostilities between us in a much more 'old school' fashion.  

Having said that, I fully expect and encourage you all to come back once I have run you off and destroyed your well camouflaged home, and continue watching and manicuring the wild flowers around my house. I have no intention of doing much with them this year and appreciate any help you offer up. 

Oh, and before I go let me leave you with this; 

The next time I get stung I'm going to gather up all the cell phones I can, boost their antennas, duct tape them to my body, and roam the countryside shooting each and every one of you I find with a poison tipped blow dart. It's nothing personal you understand, I merely have to assume that with another assault as an answer to this letter, you are officially declaring war. It wouldn't be my first.  

Perhaps I should go put the tick jar near the nest. A silent threat before the coming retribution.