Day 515: Barbecue Today
I figured it would be a good idea to get this thing cooked out now. We have family coming in a little bit for a barbecue. Jeannette is hard at work in the kitchen getting things ready. I just peeled potatoes and emptied the dishwasher, so you know, I'm doing my part. She'd slap me across the head if she read that over my shoulder right now.
Blaze is currently in the living room playing with Amy. He waves now. And high fives. Can't get enough of it. Cutest thing you've ever seen. Well maybe not you in particular. No doubt the 'cutest thing' you've ever seen would be something your own child did, or a cat, or something a monkey did to a puppy. Nevertheless, it is certainly one of the cutest things I've ever seen, and this being my blog, I'm confident that's all that matters.
He slept all right last night, but was up quite early again this morning. I'm always the one to go in, putting him to bed as I do at night and then going in to get him in the morning. I guess that makes me the gatekeeper to the world of consciousness; a title I quite like the sound of.
I was very tired when I went in this morning and found him reaching up to be taken out of the crib, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. I knew in that instant that there would be no going back to sleep with us in the big bed. I knew that we were doomed.
This is nature is telling me I need to start going to bed earlier, that's what's happening here. A bit of subliminal advice I should surely heed given the state of my head in the mornings lately. Jeannette packed him up with Amy and went off to the North Mountain market so I managed to sleep a little longer, but the market was a bust so they came right back home. By then I was up as well and the head was starting to come around.
It's the hardest thing in the world, locking into a self-created routine. For me anyway. It takes so much discipline! I suppose it takes even more than that, given that I've been trying to implement it in the midst of a sudden rise in the number of humans I'm responsible for, and the fact one and a half of them are completely dependent upon my constant attention in order to survive. Tough to come up with a schedule then, when trying to guide new humans into the world; humans who don't have a schedule or routine yet either!!
Heavy work this parenting/life thing.
The idea I'm pitching next week is starting to hone itself in; Randal would be proud. Jeannette helped me with it a bit today when I showed her what I had, just before she started prepping dinner. She gives good criticism this one, and like Randal, does a good job of reigning in my imagination and getting me to focus on the necessary steps at hand.
That's the nature of my struggles with anything like this however, when the ideas start coming it's like trying to navigate across a road through a mudslide. The path is still walkable but you get swept away a good few times by a particularly powerful stream of content. Good problems to have as far as I'm concerned. I'd take 'organizational' issues to a lack of creative ability any day of the week.
I get much less frustrated at myself these days. I'm not where I want to be quite yet but can see signs that I'm headed in the right direction. I'm clearly doing everything in my power to get what I need to get done, which also helps me ease up on my own expectations. You can't work any harder and still maintain healthy relationships with family. It's just not possible. As I continue to focus on the things I'm focusing on, it will all eventually coalesce and I'll start churning out the material; in much the same way it's been with this blog.
But we all have our process. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and we all either choose to find out what they are and deal with them, or not. And when you choose to try to deal with all the things that hold you back, then that process must go through its due course, there's no getting around it. You cannot avoid you. That's what I'm still in the process of doing. I simply feel I've also come up with a creative way to kill two birds with one stone.
Not literally. That would be pointless carnage.
Unless you needed to eat them to survive.
In which case, nice shot!
Once you realize that there's a process that has to happen, and that it'll take as much time as it takes, and that wherever you are at the moment is still 'part' of that process, and you further understand that you can't skip any steps and still expect to have success, then it is possible to step out of the realm of anxiety and just let life takes its course.
It's taken me a long time to learn that, and I'm still trying to lock it in so that it becomes second nature, to view the world that way, but the benefits are immediate and not insignificant. I focus on making the best decisions with the information I am given moment to moment, to respond when life (mostly through Jeannette) calls me to adventure, and then work as hard as I can on whatever it is I feel the need to do when I'm not needed by any of the people around me.
A simple formula for life when you break it right down. I believe it's called 'going with the flow'.
A difficult formula to stick to in the face of all those old patterns of behaviour, I can assure you.
Like with any idea or endeavour in life, I will need help to get it off the ground.
That was the realization I had the other day that made me change my mind about going to a network. I needed a guy with a chainsaw to come cut down all our trees, a guy with a tractor to come drag them around, we needed other people to build our house and put our car together and still others to make sure our drinking water is clean. You accomplish nothing in this life without help of some kind. And you'd be surprised what people will agree to if given the right motivation.
Anyway, I did some work on it today but will now pause to eat heaps of hamburgers and hotdogs and potatoes and corn and whatever else Jeannette throws into a heating source or whips up on the counter. I hope you guys all have a good Saturday yourselves. Enjoy the nice weather if you have any of it.