Day 492: Missed Appointment

I've got some bad news. It probably won't affect you much, I suppose; in fact, the news itself is really only bad for me; though it didn't help my therapist either, as he sat around his office at 11am this morning waiting for me to come in; a complete waste of his valuable time, as I didn't show up until 1pm. 

Yes, that's right, I missed my therapy appointment. There was a slight miscommunication on the time, in that we read the card they'd provided wrong. Jeannette read it as 1pm this morning, but in her defence the first 1 -in 11am- did look like a / as in July 16th /1:00. 

Anyway, we drove all the way out there, picking up our babysitter Amy on the way, and then turned around and came all the way back; my back getting tighter and tighter the whole way. It is moderately better today. I'm at least able to move my head around a bit and you know.. stand.. so I think if I just rest it today and not try to work through it, ignoring it completely until I can't even move, like an asshole, I should be fine. 

We did stop to get coffee in Wolfville before we went in to find out I already missed my appointment. The place we stopped in used to be the movie theatre in Wolfville, when I was growing up. Since then it's been turned into a few different things, but is now a local coffee shop with the theatre still in the back. It's got 160 seats and a great stage. The girl behind the counter let me in to look at it while Jeannette was hooking us up with coffee. It's currently set up for a play that a group are putting on this week. 

It's a perfect size. I don't know why I think that, not really knowing yet what I'd use it for, but I certainly had that feeling when I went in and looked at it. A very intimate little theatre. Perfect. I said to Jeannette as we were leaving that it was the first time I've seen a stage in a long time and felt excitement. She asked me why I thought that is and I told her that it might be because I'm finally figuring out what I'd like to actually say. 

Prior to this I only ever cared about telling jokes, making people laugh, at any cost. Whatever the joke had to be, however it had to be delivered, for maximum pay off, is how I would frame it. 

That approach got old in a hurry. 

Well, not a 'hurry' I suppose, as it kept me pretty interested for a good 14 years. But towards the end, the jokes just weren't doing it for me, regardless of how they went over. I remember my last Just For Laughs festival; certainly my best gala performance, without a doubt, though it wasn't at the St. Denis theatre, which is a bit of a more formal, stiff type of show. I only did a couple of other shows at the festival to 'warm up' for the big gala taping and both of them were absolute balls. I mean, I did quite well, because the set I was doing was solid and funny but the overall experience at the festival wasn't good. It had more to do with me than the festival itself, but nevertheless I knew it was a sign that I needed to make a change. 

The one good thing about it was that I finally just disregarded the 'notes' that were given to me by a couple of the organizers regarding my set. I used to be so anal about making everyone happy that I'd always try to change the set to fit their suggestions and would stick to my time. While I still believe in sticking to your time, taking the 'notes' of other people on the material that I wrote and prepared was something I had to get over.  

They always do that kind of stuff for TV tapings. "You can't say this, and don't say that, and can you say something else instead of that." And then it gets in your head and you start self-editing on stage and it all falls apart. That time I literally just listened to the notes after my first performance, and decided to just do the set exactly as I'd prepared it for the gala. And lo and behold I finally crushed it. No doubt it was one of the sets of the night. I was there, and I'm pretty honest about how things go down. 

If they want to edit stuff out they can do that in post. I don't particularly care, or subscribe, to the reasons they feel the need to nit pick a set -most of that having to do with making it as palatable for the broader audience as possible so that advertisers will pay them lots of money to buy spots during the show when it airs. None of these are my concerns, as the artist, nor is it something I want to have brought up before I go on stage. Since the festivals and tapings likely won't change, then I simply had to step away and switch gears myself. 

Why the hell would I care what some company like Crest or Toyota has to say about what I happen to be talking about on a stage in Montreal? Madness! The system is completely ass backwards! Which is why, in retrospect, I was feeling such an overwhelming sense of disconnect with the whole process. 

Anyway, being away from it all has really helped me get some perspective on things, and figure what I liked and didn't like about the world I once inhabited. Which is why I think today the thought of getting back on a stage -in some capacity- had me feeling the old familiar excitement. 

I've nearly jettisoned all the negative energy I'd accumulated after engaging in the very same art form, but for the wrong reasons, over the course of my career. That was another thing I'd said to Jeannette as we were walking back to the car. I always had a real problem selling myself. ALWAYS. I don't like tooting my own horn, never liked the idea of propping myself up as something people should take notice of. Shit, the idea of a publicist, is absolutely anathema to me now; though I suppose it always has. The difference now however, is that I'm actually going to be pursuing all these things FOR something else; for a cause, if you wanna call it that; for my community to be even more specific. 

Well that instantly becomes a completely different ball game entirely. I'd get on the radio to talk about that endeavour. TV too. 

So all these strands are finally coming back together. Of course nothing moves forward until I've mastered the memory stuff that I've now got my teeth rather firmly planted in. It's funny, I'd said to you yesterday that perhaps my back issues are a way for 'the organism' to force me to put to memory the work I've done the past couple of years. With nothing left for me to do, no physical activity whatsoever even being possible for me right now, all that's left for me to do is lay down and either watch TV or do the work that's now left for me to do. 

Since I don't want to go through this pain again, I think I'll take this opportunity -for that is what it becomes when you look at it the right way- and get the job done. Oh, it took me a few minutes to see it that way, I'll be the first to admit. When first I was turned away from the therapy place, I was not a particularly happy camper. More disappointed with myself than anything else, even though Jeannette blamed herself for misreading the card. It's hardly her fault. I'm not a little boy, I should be able to keep track of my own appointments and important dates... something I WOULD be able to do, if I had the memory work done. 

So enough talk already!!!! Let's lock it in. 
Have a good one munks. Talk at you tomorrow. 
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