Daily Blog: 0287 #Purpose
I miss my house.
I know, I know, I'm supposed to be trying to 'stay present' and be 'in the now' and all that. I get it Eckhart Tolle, trust me. But I still find myself missing the woods. It's been a good trip and all that, and we've introduced Blaze to most of his immediate family... but man oh man, I just miss my house.
I've never had one, you see. I've always lived in an apartment, in a building I generally disliked, with people who are what you would ordinarily refer to as roommates. Thin walls, annoyingly close neighbours, laundromats... it's not a lifestyle I'm able to stomach anymore.
I did have a house once, in LA, with my ex-wife. But it was a rental and I wasn't there for very long, as you can perhaps gather from the 'ex' part of that sentence. And anyway, it's hardly the same as owning your own place. It was good initial dipping of the toe into the waters of living in my own house... as was, I suppose, my first marriage... but nothing like what I have now.
As frustrated as I've been with the house we're in now, things have begun to settle down and I've become accustomed to a lot of the internal workings ... mainly the heat ... and as a result it's really started to grow on me.
My nomadic lifestyle has come to an end. I was a comedian for 14 years. A career that had me travelling around a lot, from gig to gig, but also had me moving from place to place as I worked to get to Los Angeles and then, once there, struggled to stay. It's a tough way to live. I stuck it out down there for seven years, after around the same amount of time in Toronto, which is certainly nothing to sniff at (is that the saying?? Sniff at? Snuff?) No family. Some friends, sure, but they would come and go as LA would chew them up and they'd seek refuge back in Canada for a recharging of the batteries.
Not me. I went there and stayed.
Trench warfare I once called it. The only way I could see making it in LA was to dig a fox hole and hunker down.
It's funny how something can seem so important to you one minute and then the next it's not. I fought for YEARS to stay there. Getting 0-1 visa's, then a green card, then getting a lawyer to keep my green card when my marriage fell apart. Thousands of dollars. And now? My green car happily expired and I haven't even replaced the passport I lost at the beginning of the year on the way to Vancouver to shoot Package Deal.
I simply don't care.
I'm not accustomed to that kind of massive mind change, I assure you. I'm not big on the flip flopping. I've always had a pretty solid idea of what I needed to do and then just put my head down and plodded forward toward no particular goal; so long as it was forward.
And then bam. One day. One afternoon. One moment. And suddenly none of it mattered to me anymore. I got a cosmic, 'you can go home now' message, and the track got completely reset.
It's a discombobulating experience for those of you who haven't had it. I can assure you. In fact, the moment in question itself had nothing to do with thoughts or realizations of coming home. That didn't actually occur to me until a month or so later. Such is the way with the really big moments in your life. The really transformative ones. The ramifications don't come all at once. Mainly it's just the massive punch to the heart and mind, the full body vibration, that hits you first.
And now here I am. With a completely different life. Back in Canada, with a son and a soul mate and a house. Not to mention a book that's chomping at the bit to get out of my head. I've spoke of most of this before, in one entry or another, but I suppose a conversation today with one of Jeannette's friends who came to see Blaze has brought it all back to the forefront of my mind again.
She asked. So I answered. And we had a great conversation.
We talked about religion and g0d and what it was that changed me so dramatically. All three of those topics I can speak on AT LENGTH, whenever the opportunity arises I should add. I still haven't gotten to a place where I'm able to clearly talk about it yet, but that's never stopped me before! I do think that time is approaching rapidly however, as time and focused thought brings clarity.
The last few times I've discussed it with Jeannette and my mother I've managed to make myself pretty clear I think. And today, I hope, I did as well.
I'm on a very different path now, though really the only thing that has changed is the fact that I know the purpose of it, where before I didn't. The same 'path' then. A life. But a greater sense of my calling in it, I suppose you could put it... at the risk of sounding like a soap box proselytizer. No more pursuing my little career for the empty purpose of feeding into my own sense of self, or for reasons of selfishness.
A point now, to the seeming madness behind my choices in life.
I don't know where it will lead, which is always the most interesting part of all of this anyway, isn't it? You put a plan in place and you try to execute it to the best of your abilities, but the details of what happens never end up being what you thought they would be. But if you dedicate yourself to it and work as hard as you can, the outcome is always better than you thought it would be.
More interesting if nothing else.
So I have a house now. That I miss. And a son (whom only moments ago barfed all over me and himself and the floor) and a woman who, after everything we've been through to be together, is unquestionably my match in this life. And most importantly, a connection, with the creative force that got this whole crazy cosmic show in motion. A connection I've questioned and struggled with my entire life, since I was old enough to ask questions, but that I feel now on a very deep level.
And I very much look forward to getting back to that house, with that boy and that woman, and that unshakable purpose, and getting back to work.
In the meantime, I will endeavour to enjoy the now and continue to channel my inner Eckart Tolle as best as I can. But for those times when I'm not able to I've just purchased three different lecture series on audible totalling about 60 hours of listening. With another 40 lectures on my wish list.
We live in a very good time to be passionate about life and learning my friends.
Despite what the news might tell you in Breaking News snippets on a daily basis.
Have a great Christmas eve tomorrow munks. Sleep well. \mp