Day 022 "Forced Perspective"
Nothing is coming to me.
Yep, 37 years old and I'm out of ideas to write about already. Well, for the blog anyway. It's a shame that so many things in my life right now are entangled with other people - which, given my stated prime directive, precludes me from getting into. Some good, most annoying, but all off limits to some degree.
I could discuss them. Sure. But then I'd likely never speak to certain people again, and potentially blow a job that I would very much like to go back too. At least for one more season.
That's not to say I can't bitch and moan a bit. But who wants to hear that from an actor? Not me. I know whenever I heard some actor complain about something I'd think, "Oh, fuck off. You're on a show. You get paid stupid money to play dress up. How bad could your life be?"
And now here I am, sitting here, one of those very same actors, trying hard not to annoy the shit out of myself by doing the very same thing.
And so we seek a bit of perspective.
Despite all these annoyances that have been swimming around my skull for the past few days/weeks, things are actually really good in my life. Really. Im very fortunate.
First of all, I'm healthy. No major disorders. No neurological issues I'm aware of: aside from the fact I chose to get into this business. I'm still pretty fit. Very few people can catch me on the ice (though I've only played with men 50 and up recently...) And unlike so many people I know I can't even say I've suffered from any irritable bowel issues. In fact my bowels are just downright pleasant most of the time. If I may risk getting too personal just 22 days in to the reboot.
I'm reasonably successful. Aside from not playing a single game in the NHL, I've achieved a lot of the goals I set out for myself at a relatively young age. Which only means I haven't set a high enough bar for myself I suppose. But don't worry. I've more than made up for that with my latest round of master plans.
I have a beautiful, smart, charming, sexy, entertaining-as-shit girlfriend who is in every sense of the phrase the "love of my life." It feels foolish to even call her my girlfriend, considering what we've been through and how we are with each other. She seems to have hopped on whatever ride we're currently on and wakes up every day excited and ready for more. Which is something I absolutely adore about her.
I have a dog that's super cute who seems to be adjusting to life in Canada very well. Sure he has somewhat creepy, green, "human-esque" eyes and has taken to sleeping in bed between Jeannette and I like a 20 pound shit-eating cock blocker, but he's fun to chase around and he'll occasionally do a trick or two for guests which always makes me look pretty good. So can't complain there.
Is my current situation somewhat tumultuous? Sure. A little. I don't "technically" have a home of my own. Unless you count the 220 year old money pit we're renting in Canning, Nova Scotia. Which I most certainly do not. And I'm still currently unemployed, despite what that bastion of journalistic integrity, the Hollywood reporter has recently reported.
*Nothing against that particular publication really, that turn of phrase just sounded right in my head so I went with it.
And yeah, I'm in Ottawa sleeping on perhaps my 15th different bed in three months, pulling clothes out of a suitcase like a traveling salesman, but this is all just temporary.
You see, this is what happens when you blow up your life. When you have an "awakening" or "ah ha!" moment and realize the majority of the thoughts spiraling around in your head are all bullshit that came from places other than your own direct experience with the world.
Echo chambers and tethers. We'll discuss that further someday, perhaps.
But for now I felt I needed a little perspective which is I suppose why this entry had taken on this tone.
I think I was beginning to sound like that stereotypical shit head actor in my own head and needed a bit of a talking to... from myself. Just to remind myself that everything isn't dark clouds, corporate hack jobs and human fungi.
I'm not in the Ukraine right now getting tear gas cans to the face. Nor am I in Syria fleeing from rebels and government thugs who can't agree over the most basic human rights and concepts. I'm finally out of the US where people go bankrupt from hang nails and die in hospital waiting rooms while the leaders argue about the pot smoke and how best to force women to give up jurisdiction over their uterus.
I'm just here now, back in my own country of birth, surrounded by family that I'm looking forward to reconnecting with - and some that I'm looking for a way to connect with at all (prime directive!!) - and get to play hockey once or twice a week with my dad.
And best of all I will soon have all the time in the world to write. To tell my story. Which is all any writing is. Well, the good stuff anyway. Not the sellout shit that people wrote solely for money. Big difference there. For another time perhaps.
So things are good. Are there people out there I'd like to get into a room with no windows so we could settle things primate style? Of course there are! I didn't hone these Muay Thai elbows for hours in a sweaty gym for nothing! But that's just the organism talking. And thankfully I'm always in control of him.
Not that I don't allow for some very realistic simulations to be played out in my brain meat from time to time. Simulations involving said people. Because I do. Oh how I do. But those moments are fleeting and occur less and less as I settle into my new life.
So I can't complain. Not really. Not when there are so many things to be thankful for in my life. Which, yes, sounds rather cliched and blah, blah, blah, but I feel I've given at least a fair account of what I'm talking about.
And it's one of those things in particular I'll now focus all of my considerable attention on for the rest of the night. Because she's the greatest. And if she's happy and smiling and excited to start the day, then I'm doing the only job in this world that really matters.
Sometimes it just takes a moment of reflection to remind myself of that fact.
Thanks for reading guys. And have a good night. I'm going to go dig in my suitcase for another pair of socks now. Because it's so fucking cold in this dismal goddamn country!!
Shit, I blew it there in the end, didn't I? -mp