Day 163 / Flotation

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Today I was a giant pile of shit. 

I simply refused to do anything at all. Jeannette got up and had a bunch of errands to do and asked me if I would like to join her. I believe I responded by pulling the covers over my head and moaning something incoherent until I fell back to sleep. 

I then got up, drank some coffee and sat in a plush, super comfy chair for the rest of the day. 

I did take a shower I suppose, so my self-imposed comparison to a giant pile of shit is at least inaccurate with regards to scent. But other than that minor attempt at civilized behavior… I was a giant pile of shit. I did try to make some plans regarding the airing of the show this week. The last time I spoke to Randal (Danny) we had made a plan to watch an episode while I was in town. He was going to have a viewing party on the roof of his building which would have been quite enjoyable.

Then I made the mistake of watching CityTV a moment ago where we saw an ad for a live musical version of the Sound of Music starring Carrie Underwood. What does this have to do with the show, you ask? Well, nothing. Other than it was slotted for our spot at 9:30pm. 

And Harland briefly had a pen pal relationship with Carrie that went on for years and years. 

That might not be true. 

So our show was apparently unceremoniously bumped to Friday.. with no word.. from anyone. For those of you keeping track at home that will be our fourth new time slot in nine episodes. It's totally understandable of course, as the trick with building an audience is playing hard to get; or in this case 'hard to watch'. 

So we'll see. It's a bold strategy. I only hope it doesn't backfire by completely frustrating our audience when they turn to the show hoping to see Pam Anderson and instead see Carrie Underwood singing Do Re Mi Fa. That's a let down I don't know if I would ever recover from myself. 

I take solace only in the fact that better minds than mine are behind such decisions. Faith is all that one requires in this situation my friends. Faith and patience. Faith and patience and perhaps the occasional crushed beer can against my forehead. 

But hey, I'm sure it's fine though guys, really. 

In fact, I think the only reason this is bothering me at all is because I'm currently in a state of flotation. That's the term I used last night to describe this feeling of nomad'ness to Jeannette. Not that I needed to describe it. There is no routine to be had at present. No dog to walk. No back to support any kind of workout routine. No kitchen of our own to eat healthily. No bed of my own for the shitty back to get used to at all. 

Floating. Anchorless. Nomadic. 

As a result I have entirely too much time on my hands to be annoyed by such things. But hey, these things take time. Contracts. Negotiations. It's not easy.  

____1hr later____

After dinner update. 

First of all, thanks once again to S.B for another phenomenal meal. Orange chicken. With actual chicken as opposed to the pasta-less, meatless, lasagna last night. Which was still a delight. But tonight! A veritable feast. The food was served, the blog entry was abandoned, and now we're back, with a belly full of food and guns ready to blaze.

An empty threat if I've ever written one. No guns. No blazing. I intrepidly remain a giant piece of shit. I'm still in my pajama bottoms and am now sitting alone at the kitchen table eating mini eclairs. Such is life. 

However! So much can change in the span of an hour long dinner. The show, as it turns out, wasn't bumped, it was merely moved to next week. So the episode this week was merely skipped for Carrie Underwood. Much more acceptable. Nothing against Carrie of course, just a general state of frustration that was rather unreasonably directed in her direction.

But it looks like things are still on track. It's a long, winding track of course. But a track nonetheless. Which I'm thankful for. It could be worse. So much worse! I could be languishing in at some random commercial audition in Los Angeles, lined up against a wall by a pretentious director awaiting my cue to feign excitement over some new flavor of Menthos. 

See this is what happens when you start looking at houses online guys! You create a sense of expectation. Expectation for a future that is never secure. I look at houses and am filled with desire. That desire is threatened when a job I was already ready to let go of seems perilously close to slipping away. Foolishness! Heresy! 

The point is to let it all go; desire, expectation. Give up the feeling of control over these things and let it all go! I know this intellectually, I had a handle on it internally, but lately I haven't had the fortitude to keep it up. 

Floating!

The good news is I know what this feeling is now, and don't mistake it for my natural state any longer. I think that's the difference now. I've had separation from it. And once that has been achieved a return to that perpetually anxious state is unlikely. I would have to do it willingly, and why on Earth would anyone do that?

As frustrating as my current nomadic/homeless/unemployed state of existence has been recently, I know where I'm trying to end up. I have the goal in mind. The future is unknowable of course, but we can certainly make plans and implement them as best we can. And I have that. So while I am finding this state of flotation somewhat difficult given how I want my day to day routine to be, I know how I will feel when we do finally get there. And that, if nothing else, is a rather stark difference from how I used to be. 

On that note I will now spend some more time with Jeannette and my friends. 

My belly is full, I have a comfortable bed to sleep in tonight, and my head is no longer pounding. If there's a reason to complain at this moment I would now be hard pressed to find it. 

I'll just keep from looking at any houses online for this evening. - mp

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