Day 139 / Getting Out Of Dodge


My time in the wild west has come to an end.

Health care will no longer be a concern soon. Having a mac 10 pulled out at an ice cream stand probably won't happen in Nova Scotia. Violence is everywhere of course, but the worst they'll do in NS is snap a pool cue over your face. And for a guy who plans on writing from now on, my face is hardly my biggest concern anymore. This is yet another benefit of not giving a shit about the industry.

I can get a face tattoo if I want.  

What will I miss of LA you don't ask? Friends. That's about it. The weather is nice but the consistency of it is in itself quite maddening. Easy to stagnate in weather like that. To just bask in the glory of it all. Not in NS. I'll be pushed to grow! Forced into it! You have to make more friends. It's too cold not to have options for body heat. That's just physics. 

I've been here over seven years but don't feel bothered a bit about leaving tomorrow. Not even the hassle itself. We were talking about that today. We're tired yes, but not dreading tomorrow at all. We're going to a hockey game tonight for shit's sakes. Tomorrow has been organized for days. The event itself is now just something we have to accept and endure. 

 Despite how quickly this all went down it's the best thing that could have come about. I woke up from a life of insanity, in a way. I'll get into why I feel that way at some point in the future. But for now it's the sense I have. This place only felt like home for a very limited period of time. And I now see that despite thinking that, it never really did. 

I always felt I needed to be here. Needed to be here because this was "the place to be". This was the plan from the get go and in some ways, career ways, it worked out quite well. The plan was simply; get on Just for Laughs, use the exposure to obtain representation in the US, and as soon as that door opens a crack kick it wide. Sure the sitcom ended up being Canadian but that's never been what's it about for me. Your level of popularity has nothing to do with the quality of your work. I wanted to test my quality. And I'm quite pleased with the results. 

Anyway, it all seemed pretty simple and worked out pretty well. But as I said, the critical point there is, from a certain perspective. Career wise, on paper, I've done things pretty well. Nothing to shake a stick at. But life-wise, fulfillment wise? Pretty empty. Not gonna lie. Yeesh. Not an authentic way to live. Not for me. For others, sure.

I see now that I've been entirely uninspired since getting here. This is no fault of the city or anyone else of course. This is my own shit, I'm just opening up a bit here. No, no, it was my own thing. I would go from one project to the next of my own, while waiting for the "real" opportunities to come in from my agents and mangers; opportunities that would lead to something legit.

All I wanted to do was what I was good at, which is memorizing lines of my own or someone else's, and performing it. Pay me for my services and let me lay on the couch and watch Game of Thrones or go play hockey. That was never my conscious thinking but at its base, that was the understanding between me and the industry. And now I know why.  

I've got ideas for miles and miles, and I can say that confidently now because if you continue to follow this little journey I'm on, you'll see them rolling out soon. I just never had my shit together enough to put in the work myself.

I was a baby. If not a baby, certainly an adolescent. Yes, I'll give myself that at least. Not fully a baby, never feeling that I was always right and everything that went poorly was due to some outside reason. Not that.

Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I was a self trapped in an identity that was created by the intermingling forces of my own inherent abilities (my meat) and the environment I found myself born into; a localized environment that taught me to listen to authority and follow the rules and a generalized environment that props individual achievement and ego up to a frenzied degree. 

That's all you are, you know. Just the culmination of daily notes your senses take in as you've lived and the constant evaluation of both the experiences themselves and the deeper interpretation of that information. Consciousness is little more than just a journal of that struggle. That's the you you think you are.

But enough of that. We're not ready to go there yet, are we?

Anyway, when you're locked into that vicious cycle it's very difficult to see past it.  

My niece always used to beg me to stay home when I was visiting. Her and I are very close and were joined at the hip whenever I was in NS. I remember telling her that if I was to stay home I wouldn't be the fun uncle she loves spending time with. And that was true then. Not anymore.

It's unfortunate that I've lost this amount of time with my family, and even put off starting one of my own. But there is no sense of regret at all. I truly believe that all you can do from moment to moment is move forward in the most positive way you can with all the knowledge and abilities you have acquired to that point.

What's past is past. What's future is irrelevant and uncontrollable. What's now is a decision. Every moment of our lives. Our minds are like electrons. Constantly deciding where to be at any given time and impossible to lock down. 

Tonight we're getting sent off in style. Owners box at the Kings game with some Packaged Deal friends. The fact that my last official night of the old identity is cast off at a hockey game. There's more than a little symbolic meaning there for anyone who's interested. Which is just me. And I know that!

Freedom is only possible when you decide to become yourself. - mp