DAY 130 / Halloween: As Good A Day As Any
In the spirit of Halloween I suppose now is as good a time as any to reveal to you all that I've recently recieved information confirming the fact that we are currently under attack by aliens. This may come as a shock to most of you and I’ll understand if you want to pause in order to fetch yourself some water. Others of you might not be surprised at all. Which is probably because you’re one of the aliens in question. Damn you for staying so current in the blogosphere.
It’s for this reason, the fact I can only maybe trust maybe… half of you, that I cannot reveal the identity of my source. Well, that and the fact I don’t have a name yet for him or her myself. But you have to understand, it’s always very hush, hush when it comes to the early part of whistle blowing. Especially of the intergalactic kind. You have to be very careful.
Look at Edward Snowden. All he did was blow the whistle on a single American agency and now he’s stuck in an IT job helping old slavic women get onto "the Facebook" from a cubicle in Siberia. I'm blowing the whistle on a coordinated effort by an alien race to take over our world through the infiltration of governments at the level of the Super Powers. And also maybe Norway.
Look, all I can tell you at this early juncture is that the information I’ve been getting has been coming in the form of thoughts that I previously didn’t have. One second I’m sitting here in a smoky apartment minding my own business and the next I get these sudden flashes of truth about the devious alien plan in question. Who knows what kind of technology they’re using to slip me the intelligence! No doubt the technique involves quantum mechanics. If they’re using it in baby formulas sold on infomercials I’m sure the aliens have mastered it as well by now.
Some of you will say that this is nothing more than the result of my overactive imagination and the ridiculous amount of time I’ve been forced to wait to see if I get a season two of my show. And to those of you I say, nice try! But this problem isn’t going to just go away because I don’t have a shred of evidence. And if you don’t listen to me you’ll be dead by the end of the week. Or month. Or year. I don’t really know. They haven’t told me when the final phase kicks in. Which probably means you should just go ahead and keep reading. This shit’s going to change from day to day.
I’ll set up an early warning color system so you can be on various levels of alert for the rest of your natural life. It’s the least I can do for you sending me the $50 000 I’ll need to start building the identification machines I’ve designed. Or we can just wait on the money. It’s fine. Next week works for me. Or whenever you have it. It’s cool.
In the mean time, the point is that the nature of the source of the information I have is irrelevant. At this moment in time I am privy to a cosmic plan to take over our planet by a passive aggressive race of aliens who use both physical infiltration and mental manipulation in order to puppeteer us into adjusting our planets environment so that it’s more comfortable for them.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You’re probably fine for tonight. Yes some of them managed to shut the government down a couple weeks ago, and one of them was caught smoking crack in a video up north recently, but from what I understand they’re far from completing their mission so we’ll have some time to figure out what to do together.
Just don’t get too complacent. You should probably check back here every once in a while to get an update on how to spot them and then, God help us all, how you should interact with them when you do. For tonight, just avoid anyone in a suit. I’ll explain more tomorrow.
It shouldn’t be hard. It is Halloween afterall.