Day 119 / Russia's Second Cold War Has Begun


The enemy combatant this time isn't the US or Syria, not Iran or Afghanistan. Think higher up. Sweden you ask? Nope. The other higher up. Like, space. Not space in general of course, as even Russia would likely show at least a modicum of humility when faced with the reality of the vastness of that great black death. Instead, they've declared war on the Universe's version of flies on our planetary windshield as we zip along this great cosmic highway; the asteroid.  

If they thought the cold war with the US was tense, imagine going after asteroids. Is there a colder war possible? The average temperature of an asteroid on the surface is minus 100 degrees F which is pretty cold. You'd have to round up all the most bitter of Russia's old women to even come close to that level of chill. Although at that point you'd have a pretty formidable front line.

A million old Russian women with weird clogs and pots full of borscht being launched into space at an unsuspecting incoming asteroid? If it's not a reality it's at the very least a storyline that should be considered by the Russian film community. Get Will Smith on board and you wouldn't even need a script. 

The reason for their sudden declaration of war on inanimate cosmic objects is in response to the discovery of one such asteroid that will pass very close to the Earth on August 26th 2032. This particular asteroid or "minor planet" (1,300 m in diameter... ouch) which has been dubbed 2013 TV135 by someone who clearly has no interest in trying to make space sexy for the public.

Look, I know there are so many heavenly bodies out there you feel the need to add numbers to everything in order to keep it all straight. But surely you could add at least one term to each bit of matter in space that didn't put kids under the age of 18 to sleep. The one friggin' place where putting the word Armageddon would be reasonable... 

Regardless of this taxonomical failure, Russia has recognized the very real threat and have officially gone on the offensive. And to them I say, well done! I think we should all get behind the Frozen Bear on this one and try to encourage more countries to join in the future hostilities. This could be the beginning of a coordinated attempt to get the powers that be; which is to say the primates with their fingers on the buttons, to encourage all countries everywhere to declare their own war on space. 

I know this is a big step, guys. Space is huge. But hear me out.

Look, we're human beings, the dominant primate species on this world. We have an innate mentality of US vs THEM that we've carried with us to great benefit to this point in our evolution. We're never happy unless we can point to an enemy and vocally judge how stupid and inferior their way of life is. We like to punch, kick, bite, shoot, spit, and all kinds of other behaviors that leave the people we do it to feeling less than pleasured. It's a real problem with us.

So perhaps if we take the lead from Russia and point all of our antiquated animalistic desires for aggression and carnage to the heavens, it will bring us all together down here on the surface. The best thing to happen would be an alien showing up on the white house lawn. Then we could bite, scratch, kick, shoot and punch something that at least looks more like us than a giant rock from space to our hearts content. But we can't wait for that to happen. 

So an asteroid is the next best thing.  

According to Russia, agents of stellar destruction are on their way to disrupt our satellite feeds and are threatening to corrupt future broadcasts of American Idol and also, as a secondary concern, threaten our very existence. And while I find their use of war time symbols and terminology when facing this challenge regrettable I do support it for the potential side effect it might have of bringing us together.

If we successfully get all the world's superpowers pointing their guns and missiles at the vast sky, I'm sure we'd all feel a lot safer in the jungles and forests down here.  

Udachi, my Russian friends.

Good luck.