Day 101 / Why Don't We Have Mind Reading Yet?



Seriously, what's the holdup? Do they not understand all the advantages of being able to read each others thoughts? Imagine the hassles we could blast through. But no. We have to talk. Like savages. What a balls feature of this big, stupid jungle.

Just think of how amazing it would be for hooking up alone. Imagine it. You're just laying around on the branch of your tree one day, lonely, horny, maybe a little unwashed - no one is judging, we've all been there - when all of a sudden you see a beautiful female strolling past beneath you.

Now, in our current world of yapping you'd have to begin the tiresome and thoroughly outdated practice of courtship. You'd have to get up, physically swing down to the ground - and who knows where the tigers are at that time of day! - and then she just stands there, staring at you, wondering if you're going to say something clever or try to club her over the head and drag her back up into the tree. So much pressure.

Enter mind reading.

First of all, you no longer even have to move from your branch. You simply summon her attention in whatever way best suits your particular style and have her level of interest telepathically sent to your brain meat immediately. "Not remotely interested." BAM! She keeps strolling and you keep lazing around with your feet swinging over the side of the limb wondering if that melon you ate earlier was bad.

Case closed. It's just that easy!  

This will be great for women too. Don't think I forgot about the perspective of the fairer sex. It works equally well for them. They only need a split second to judge our value as a mate anyway. So if they’re paying attention and don’t get distracted by all our hand waving and chest thumping they should be able to tell if we're worth chatting with. 

First, you can judge us by our exterior. Not just our physical health and attractiveness but more importantly how we’ve chosen to carry ourselves once we have successfully engaged your attention.

For instance, are we seated in a lotus position like a thoughtful and flexible male? Or draped over a limb and barely conscious like a chimp fresh off a night of debauchery and illegal, nighttime tree-swinging chicken? 

Also important then would be how you managed to engage her attention in the first place? Did you whistle? Cat call? Slap at your chest? Set your tree on fire? Punch your best friend in the face and then immediately pretend to be comforting him when she looks over. “I don’t know what happened,” you say innocently as your buddy drops from the tree unconsious. “He was just sitting here one second and then… wow, I’m sorry, but your forehead really slopes beautifully. I’m Gorm.” 

Look, I can tell you’re still a little hesitant about this idea. “But MP,” you say, “sure this sounds perfect, but what about the constant stream of rejection most of us would get everyday?” 

Maybe you're a bit of a geek and this concerns you greatly. Perhaps it should. You read blogs like this all day like a weirdo. That can't be good. And not to make matters worse but let's face it, these trees are getting pretty populated with primates and a lot of them are keeping in pretty good shape these days; despite the fact we’ve conquered pretty much everything we'd ever be required to wrestle.

Well if that's your thinking then don’t even worry about it. You'll get used to mind reading and all the various pros and cons in no time. We’re a pretty adaptable little species if you hadn't noticed. Do you remember the dinosaurs? No? Well me neither, and to that I further add, exactly! You don't remember them because they're gone, extinct, reduced to a bunch of fossilized swamp dwellers.

Were they too good for a planet covered in the dark, heavy, murky, fully carcinogenic, sooty black ash that rained down on us for hundreds of years after the day the giant space rock hit us? Too good for a life of puking and gagging and clinging to trees for dear life like a bunch of cockroaches? Well we're not. Point made. 

Side note: I wonder if living in the aftermath of such a global catastrophe explains why most of us seem cool with leaving our shit all over the place…

What I'm saying is that if we survived that globally traumatic event we can do the same thing with the rejection that will inevitably result in our mastery of mind reading. Just like the hellish soot that choked our lungs, the specific thought you inspire in the fairer primate (i.e: “someone should shave you”) will eventually fade into the background of your consciousness and become like a soft breeze rustling the leaves around you.

And just think of the day when a female happens by and thinks, “Well look here. This one looks pretty damaged.” She swings over and grabs your nuts show dog style. “Ohhh. But he's workable.” 

So if you’re a really smart primate with some time on your hands might I suggest you get to work on mind reading. If not for us then for your own sake. I don’t see females being impressed by much more than night-time, tree swinging chicken for quite some time.